MIA

Sorry, I have been MIA. About a month and and half ago my Dr. told me that i didn't have Mitral Valve Prolapse which I have been on a beta blocker for 7 and a half years. So he took me of the medication. Not weaned, took. He thought since I was on such a low dose I would be fine.  Ummmm then my body and my mind had a breakdown.

My body went in to a downward spiral of chemical unbalance. And I thought I was going crazy. Not just ha ha I feel weird, I mean I think I am losing my mind and they are going to lock me up.

I have always been a bit of a nervous Nelly, but my actions were certifiable. We have had some nasty weather here in good ole Kansas and with every Tornado threat I would lose it. Hyperventilating, sweating, and more anxiety that I thought I wasn't going to live through. For example my daughter was at a Girl Scout Swimming party on the last of school and we had an impending Tornado WATCH not WARNING (which is the take cover type of scary) I made my husband go get her from that party 2 hours early because I was scared to death that a tornado was going to demolish the county and I needed her by me. Thank the Lord that my husband followed my wishes, my daughter on the other hand was very mad at me. ( And no such tornado happened.) The days and the anxiety got worse. Really? Oh ya way worse. I went back to the Dr. and she put me on Paxil for anxiety, I was an overwhelmed mommy. I filled that prescription, by then my love/hate with Goggle happned. And I talked myself out of even taking it. I didn't want to endure all the horrible side effects, that in itself made me panic. Two weeks later, and I am not feeling any better I go back to the Dr. and tell her I don't want to be medicated full time can I just have something in case I just need the edge taken off? I then leave with a prescription of Ativan. Take it to the Pharmacy got get a quick bite of lunch with an old friend.....just as we are finishing up I start to feel real weird like I have got to bail out of this place and quick. I get to the pahramcy after and hour when they tell me it will be 45mins, and its another 15mins. My mind is spinning at this point, I'm by myself in the car, I'm sweating, nausea, and trying real hard to focus my brain and vision. I get the pills pop one in my mouth and start driving down the busy street in the city. Stopped at a red light on the phone with my friend, telling her how I am having the biggest meltdown of my life. All systems feel like they are shutting down. I am crying she is telling me to go back to the Dr. I had just left there an hour and a half ago. So by the grace of GOD and I mean it.  I get back to the Dr. and she says Oh my what happened?? My BP is high and my heart rate is out of control. She asked if I took one I said just now yes. She tells me to stay in the room for awhile until I calm down. It took about 20 longest minutes of my life. I was able to drive myself the 20mins home, my friend talk to me the whole time on the phone. Thank God for you Bridgett!! I was still feeling weird for about 3 hours after that. I told the Dr I think I need to go back on my beta blocker medicine and she agreed that I should have not stopped it so abruptly.

Good news is I lived thought that.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions, and I still have bouts of debilitating anxiety. But now I am feeling a bit better getting my BB back into my system and not every day but once in awhile I take an Ativan. I am still struggling and trying real hard to avoid medication and leaning on God awhole bunch, so I could us a couple prayers. :) I am so scared of losing myself to anxiety and missing some much in my families life. But I am trucking on, they need me and I need me. Thanks for listening, I know it was jumbled, I just had to spew it out.